I recently finished reading several books that could be considered self-help or self-improvement books. There is sometimes stigma about reading these books, like folks who read them must be really messed up or really stupid to have to read them instead of figuring it all out by themselves.
To me it is all really simple, each of us takes what we need or think we need from what's accessible to us. For some it may take the form of simply chatting with a friend, or watching their favorite show on Netflix, or perhaps doing the unthinkable... 'watch a TED talk'. Whatever people like, I admire the humility and curiosity of simply trying to learn from what's available and admitting we all need some help and some improvement.
Not necessarily because it's admirable to have a little humility and a little craving for enhancing the way we think and process situations around us. The admirable thing is that in an era when every question can be answered by asking Google or Alexa, people still write these books and people still read them. I must admit that given my saturated schedule I often fancy audiobooks instead of the readable formats be it print or digital.
What I learned recently is not only what the books teach, which I thought was compelling and insightful. More importantly what I really liked was my own realization that my life has become a little empty. Not because I don't have any activities or responsibilities, those I have and a little more each time. What I lack is sources of individual help, becoming a parent gave me the opportunity of being responsible for someone else. Living apart from my friends and family network made me more self-reliant than ever on the matters that others I know usually have a good crowd to rely on (in-laws, parents, neighbors, siblings/cousins).
Relying on a partner becomes the immediate need, assuming you have one, when your friends and family are far away or no longer around. But what if your partner is simply not in-tune with your feelings and thoughts? That was my main realization as I was reading some of these books, and reflecting on what these lessons meant in my own life.
What I learned is that I can give my partner more time, or be more interested about their activities, interests and needs. Doing so gives me fulfillment in a way, mostly thinking that 'I've done what was expected of me' or simply that 'I'm a great partner'. But that fulfillment fades away easily, and I realize that I cannot expect the same in return. Sure, some people simply reciprocate naturally and at times things are flowing really well back and forth. For some people like us, it's not as natural, and not as frequent.
It may be easy to simply invest more in communication... right? It's the obvious thing to do, seek out your partner more often and try to promote better communication. That should take care of it...
Right. But what if it doesn't happen, and what if after years of waiting for communication to get better, it simply lags and doesn't improve. It takes a lot of work to surpass these personal shortcomings on both ends of a relationship.
In my case most of the work is about being more tolerant, more patient, more loving. I've seen how time and time again I end up frustrated, upset, and outright angry because my partner doesn't communicate the way I expect. Ideas that are left unsaid, but expected to be there. Resentment that doesn't surface at the time of the offense. And sometimes, honestly, ideas that are poorly articulated.
I jump in and interrupt, I try to complete the thought, I try to correct what was said with better grammar, and I reproach when things are said out of sequence, making it hard for me to fully grasp the idea.
What I realized, is that no matter who I'm dealing with, be it my partner of now, or my lovers from the past, or my own family and friends. This sense of exasperation when I struggle to understand others, and when I fruitlessly try to 'correct' them is simply my sense of dissatisfaction with myself. The bottomless pit of despair, of criticism and dread, of all the things that I don't like about me. Yeah, I know that this has been documented and studied and there are books about this. Heck even in some training that I've taken in the past, I learned about this phenomenon, that when you hate something about someone, it usually means you envy that they have it, or you recognize it as a big flaw you got too.
What I didn't know until now, is how pervasive this sense of despair was in my life, and how much damage it keeps doing me day after day, year after year. All my past mistakes, all the times I felt inadequate, all the rejection I received from others, all the insults or judgement I ever received. Wrapped up in a new negative thought, a new criticism, a new undermining comment.
I still don't know how to break this cycle, otherwise I'd probably be investing more time writing about the solution. But no one can really take a solution if they don't identify with the problem. My problem is about me, and no one else. All the ridicule I'm subject to and the sense of uneasiness comes straight from myself. Every time I am not patient with myself and don't give myself another chance to get it right I end up in the same place, the hot seat where I'm my worst judge. And from that place I can only point fingers, insult and undermine others.
Either by nature or nurture, I finally realized that this is me, and that I do these things... constantly. I don't need to blame others who raised me, or who grew up with me, or who met me along these years and decided to give me a little bit (or a lot) of it in return. I do like so many things about me, and I don't want to let the bad overshadow the good, even though that is certainly easier.
What I really want is to learn how to love and accept myself, and create a habit of doing it, catching myself every time I'm getting my judge triggered and ready to fire. The love that I feel for others is directly proportional and caused by the love I feel for myself. It's about time I start forgiving me, cherishing me, and loving me the way even strangers love me for no reason.
I got too much to care for in the few years that I got left, and I'd like make the best of it until the moment I finally expire. I love myself. I love those around me that need me the most.
I love.
